A visit from a colleague

Yesterday afternoon at work we got a visit from a colleague who is currently on sick leave.  Actually, it's long term disabililty. She has terminal cancer.

Marie is in her late forties.  She is a vibrant woman, a workaholic with a great sense of humor and a zest for life.  Several months ago (which seems like only days ago), Marie had been complaining about headaches.  Constant headaches.  She didn't look good and was always tired, which was unusual for her. A friend and I were standing just outside my office one day and Marie was heading down the hall toward us.  She was swaying, almost walking into the wall.  We were concerned and asked if she was okay.  She wasn't.  She told us that she had been feeling dizzy all the time and was having problems with hand-eye coordination and depth perception.  Her husband had to help get her dressed because she couldn't fasten her buttons.  Go to the doctor!  We exclaimed.  She explained that she had called and made an appointment for the following week.  We expressed our concern and urged her to call again or just go to the Emergency.  She wouldn't hear of it.  She had deadlines that had to be met.  Senior Management was depending on her.  I just shook my head at her and told her she was crazy.

The next week we got the news.  At first the doctor thought she might have a brain aneurysm.  He sent her to the hospital right away.  They soon discovered that it was a brain tumor.  She went through a number of tests and scans and was booked for surgery to remove it.  She remained in good spirits and gave us regular updates by phone.  It turned out that the tumor was cancerous and they were not able to remove all of it.  It was terminal.  I felt so sick when I heard the news.  I had just been standing here talking to her, and (what felt like) the next day I find out she is going to die.  It was so surreal.

Marie's illness was announced at a staff meeting, and we were told that she was keeping a positive attitude, and if we talked to her we were to remain positive as well.  I couldn't imagine staying positive.  I truly don't know what I would do if I got that kind of news.

It has been a couple of months and she has started chemotherapy and radiation.  She just got back from a Caribbean cruise and decided to pay us all a visit.  I got the news that she was here and as I turned the corner I saw everyone gathered around her.  She was bald but wore a beautiful scarf on her head.  She was sitting on a chair in the hallway with her wheelchair sitting nearby.  She looked beautiful.  Her makeup was perfectly done.  She wore nice clothes and jewelery.  She had strappy fuschia sandals with matching toenail polish and wore ankle bracelets and a toe ring.  She was smiling and laughing and cracking jokes.  Same old Marie.  She even cracked some pretty morbid jokes about death.  She talked about how surprised she is of herself.  That she doesn't feel depressed or mad. When she first got the news, she was told that she had only a few weeks to live.  It then changed to several months.  And now doctors tell her that she will most likely live for a year and a half.  She feels blessed to have that much time left.  She feels happy and she wants to enjoy every day of her life.  She said that nobody knows how long they have here on this earth.  Any one of us could walk outside and get hit by a bus.  She told us to live every day like it's our last.  To truly appreciate the things and people that we love.  She talked about her cruise, her shopping trips, her plans to move into a new bungalow.  She seemed happy and was full of energy.  We all laughed and smiled and wished her well when she was ready to leave.

I went back to my office and I cried.  What an amazing woman.  She has been given this news and is making the best of it.  Living life to the fullest.  I don't know if I could be that strong.  I don't think I would be.  I can't imagine leaving my husband, children, parents.  All of my friends and family.  It's not fathomable.  Yet it could happen.  I don't think anyone is ever ready to receive news that they will die, but I am amazed and inspired by people who are as positive as Marie.  It makes me realize that my life is really not so bad.  It's awesome, actually!  Yesterday I was reminded just how lucky I am to have my health and my family.  Yesterday I was inspired.

Hoping the Fog Will Clear

I've been living in a fog for the past week or so.  Really.  It's like I'm in a constant daydream or something.  People come into my office to talk about work or just to chit-chat and I am sitting across from them at my desk, trying to make eye contact.  Trying to concentrate.  Trying to be engaged. Trying to look interested.  Normally I don't have to try to do any of this.  I welcome interruptions at work.  I love having visitors.  But this week has been different.  It's hard to explain, but when I talk it almost feels like I am outside of my body watching myself.  I am awkward.  I go blank in the middle of a sentence.  I'm sure I'm coming across very rude.  I look disinterested.  I don't mean to be.  What's wrong with me?!  My brain is in a fog.  I hope it clears soon.

Five for Ten: YES!

It's Day 9 in the Five for Ten series, and it's already time to post the last topic.  My, how time flies when you're having fun!  Although I was a bit of a wimp and did not post anything on Day 7 for Lust, I'm back and want to dedicate this final post to my husband.  The final Five for Ten topic is Yes.

It was love at first sight.  I was a shift supervisor at a fast-food restaurant and we had closed for the night.  I heard a noise outside and looked up to see a very handsome man standing at the door. 

Sorry, we`re closed, I said through the glass.  Wow, he`s cute, I said to myself.  He didn't leave.  He pointed for me to open the door.  My heart skipped a beat.  He was smiling.  He wanted to talk to me.  He was supposed to meet my manager later that week to discuss the community safety campaign, but he had to cancel.  Could I please pass along the message.

YES, of course!  I replied.  He had a cute little French accent. I smiled.  He smiled.  We gave each other a knowing look.  Then he took off in his sporty little car. I watched the tail lights disappear into the night and wondered what his name was.

A few days passed.  I was at work again and the phone rang.  It was for me.  It was him.  He explained that he was the guy at the door the other night.  His name was D.  He asked if I would like to go on a date with him.

YES, I said,  That sounds great.  We agreed on a date and time and he said he'd pick me up.  I hung up the phone and could barely contain myself.  YES!  A date!  I couldn't wait. 

We had a wonderful date - dinner and a movie.  We had great conversation.  We liked a lot of the same things.  He was a true gentleman.  When he dropped me off we kissed goodnight.  It was amazing.  I had such butterflies.  I couldn't stop smiling.  We agreed to get together again, soon.  I went in the house and my mom was up, waiting to see how it went.  I told her how incredible he was and how it had been the best date ever.  I told her that I was going to marry this guy.  If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would say YES!  I'm sure she was concerned, but she was also genuinely happy for me.

We continued to date and got to know each other better.  Soon I was spending more time at his apartment than I was at home.  My father got a job in another city and my family would soon be moving.  There was no way I could go with them.  D and I were just starting to get serious.  I decided to stay and rented my friend's room while she was away at university.  Months went by and things got even more serious.  His best friend from his hometown came to visit for a couple of weeks and we got along great.  D was really happy to see his best friend and his girlfriend getting along so well.  We partied, we drank, we talked, we laughed.  I had passed The Test. 

Two months went by and it was a few days before my twentieth birthday.  We were planning to celebrate together with a few drinks.  I had been feeling sick and wasn't sure if I'd be up to it.  And I was secretly starting to worry.  When was my last period, anyway?  I decided to get a test.  I brought it home and took it right away, thinking I'd prove myself wrong and get those crazy thoughts out of my head. 

It was positive.

No, it had to be a mistake.  I called D, panicked.  He was panicked, too, but remained calm.  And he helped calm me down.  Go get another test, he said, Let's be sure about this.  I went straight to the drugstore and bought two more tests.  They were both positive.

We were in shock.  We were scared.  But we would get through it.  Together.  He made me feel so safe, so loved.  Sooo much better.

Soon his roommate moved out and it only made sense that I would move in.  We were having a baby together.  But I made it very clear that I didn't want to move in because I had to.  He did not have to take care of this baby.  I could move back in with my parents and he could forget about everything if he wanted to.  But that was never even a consideration for him.  We were a family now.  He wanted to stay with me and raise this baby together.  I was so happy.

Fast-forward to today.  Almost 14 years later, and 7 years as husband and wife.  It hasn't always been easy for us - we've gone through some serious personal, legal and financial issues together.  But none of those things could ever break the bond we have.  The love we have.

We now have two wonderful children. We have built a great life for our family and I couldn't be happier. D is such an amazing father and husband.  He is a strong, handsome, loving, hard-working, thoughtful, handy, organized man. He always puts his family first and he never forgets a promise.  He does laundry and makes supper every night and he doesn't complain about my forgetfulness or my tendency to procrastinate.  He hates coffee but always stops to buy one for me. He gets me (most of the time) and he loves me unconditionally. I love him more and more each day and I appreciate him and everything he does for us.  I'm so happy that I said YES to him on that day, 14 years ago.  I can't imagine my life without him.

Five for Ten: Childhood Memories

Well, it's Day 5 of Momalom's Five for Ten, and the third topic in this series is Memory. 

Every once in a while when someone makes a funny comment, when something strange happens, or when I get upset about something, I wonder if my children will remember that exact moment when they are older.

I can remember many moments from my childhood that my parents probably never dreamed I would.  Some of those moments, though faint, are from as far back as age three. 

At age four, I clearly remember the apartment we lived in.  I remember watching the children's show Romper Room and waiting for the host to say my name at the end.  I remember lying on the coffee table, eating a carrot and almost choking.  I remember my mother's look of panic. I spit it out in her hand.

When I was five, I remember the dress I wore on the first day of school.  I remember the lyrics to songs we learned in music class.  I remember getting lost and feeling scared in a shopping mall.  I remember stealing money from my mom's spare change jar, and I remember getting caught, too.  She told me that my father was going to give me The Belt when he got home.  He didn't.  I guess she was trying to instill some fear so it wouldn't happen again.  It worked.

There are many little moments from my childhood that live in my memory.  Some blurry, some very vivid.  Each has a special place in my mind and they bring me back to simpler times.

When Miss M has a special day, I look at her and wonder if she will remember it when she gets older.  When we've had a bad day, I wonder if she will remember how I lost my patience.  I hope she recalls more of the good days.

J is 12 now, and I know he will remember virtually everything from these years as he grows up.  It still surprises me when he remembers a particular moment from years ago; something that I didn't think twice about at the time. It also surprises me when I reminisce about times when he was little and he doesn't remember.  It makes me sad sometimes, too.

The mind is a strange and wonderful thing.  It holds on to memories that might not seem significant to us, but it's those memories that shape us into the people we are.  The adults we become.  Some memories I wish would last forever.  Others I wish would never come back.  I can't choose which moments my children will keep photographed in their minds, but I hope they have happy, loving, lasting childhood memories like mine.

What are some of your earliest memories?

Five for Ten: C'mon, get happy!

It's Day 3 of Five for Ten and the second topic is happiness.  I'm sure many participants will write about the meaning of true happiness, or perhaps their own pursuit of it.  I've decided to keep it light and would like to tell you about the moments that make me happy.

Things that make me happy:

Spending a relaxing sunny day outside with my family.

A steaming hot flavored latte from my favourite coffee shop.

Visiting and sipping wine with my mother.

When J does something he is supposed to do without having to be reminded.

When Miss M gives me an extra long hug at bedtime.

A good chat with a close friend.

When Hubby does the laundry (and he's been doing a lot lately - thanks Hubby!).

When my children do something quietly together with no bickering.

When I'm recognized for my extra efforts at work.

Getting into bed with cool, clean, fresh sheets straight from the clothesline.

When Hubby holds me tight in his arms.

Driving alone in my car, blasting the radio and singing along as loud as I can.

Karaoke night with friends and a few beers.

The smell of freshly cut grass.


What are some of the little things that make you happy?

Five for Ten: Supergirl

As a newbie to blogging, I am extremely excited to be a part of Momalom's Five for Ten.  The topic for Day 1 is Courage, and the first thing that came to mind when I read it was my daughter and what a courageous little girl she is.  So, here goes nothing! 

 This is a post about courage. Bravery. Will.  It is a post about my daughter.

Miss M is five years old. She is a bright, beautiful, witty and charming little girl. She loves to run and play and make new friends. She doesn't let anything stop her. Not even her disability.

When I was pregnant with Miss M, it had been almost seven years since my last pregnancy and it was a totally different experience. For one, I wasn't nauseous for nine straight months like I was the last time. Everything went very smoothly and I felt great. I was having my girl. I was so happy to be having a girl. We had her name picked out before we even booked the first ultrasound. I just knew it was a girl and I couldn't wait to meet my daughter.

Miss M was a large baby (10 lbs, 5 oz) and also in a breech position, so she was delivered by c-section (thankfully!). Everything went fairly well and she was such a beautiful little baby (I'm not biased or anything)! She had inhaled fluid so we only got a glimpse of her before she was swept away to intensive care. In all of the chaos and excitement, we didn't notice her feet.

Her feet were deformed. They were turned in and almost bent in half (from toes to heel). She held her legs straight up to her head, just like the position she had in the womb. The doctors did not know what was wrong and sent her for multiple tests over the following weeks, including CT scans, blood tests, MRI and x-rays. To make a long story short, she was finally diagnosed with a condition called Amyoplasia Congenita, a form of Arthogryposis. It basically means that she has no muscle in the lower legs. One of the symptoms of this condition is clubbed feet.

At only a few days old, she started treatments of weekly casting where they slowly moved her feet and put new casts on each week to hold them. This lasted several months. Then at six months, she underwent a heel cord release surgery to prevent her toes from pointing downward. She went to physio. She had to get special braces called ankle-foot orthoses (AFOs) that she must wear everyday to keep her feet in the correct position.

With her AFOs, she learned to walk at 15 months. She was able to wear extra wide running shoes over her AFOs and soon she was running around everywhere.

As she grew, she was fitted for several newer and bigger AFOs. Last year she had another surgery on one foot that was less straight than the other and had to spend six weeks in a cast. It was difficult for all of us to have her in a wheelchair for six weeks. Here was our active little girl stuck in a chair and unable to run around. She rarely complained, but boy was she happy once that cast came off! This year, we realized that the surgery had been unsuccessful and the doctors decided to put her through more casting treatments. Which meant that she would get a new cast on her foot each week for 6-8 weeks. Not fun for a five-year-old.

But has any of this stopped Miss M? Not for a second. She is so strong. We rented a wheelchair for her and we also got crutches for her to try. She learned very quickly how to walk with them. If she can't get somewhere fast enough, she just gets down and crawls. She is not a shy little girl, especially not with other children. She is very outgoing and goes out of her way to meet new kids when she can because she just loves to play and share.  I wish I would have been that way as a child, but I was much too shy.  I still am.  It is still not easy for me to make friends.  But Miss M does it with ease.

Miss M is courageous. She knows that she is different, but she's not afraid of it. If another child asks what those things on her feet are, she tells them that she has special feet and the braces help to keep them straight. She has a disability but it doesn't stop her from doing anything that she wants to do. She finds a way. She may only be five, but she knows that she is special. She knows that the other kids at daycare are not wearing AFOs or going through surgeries. And if she is afraid that she won't be able to keep up, that her classmates won't want to play with her, that new friends won’t accept her… she faces that fear by letting her bright personality shine through.

I hope that she does not lose her courage with age. I know that school-age children can be mean and don’t understand how their words can affect a child's self-esteem. I hope that she will keep that inner strength when she starts school in September. I hope she will continue to face any fear, uncertainty or pain and just keep on shining.

My daughter is the sweetest little girl in the world and I love her so much. I wish I had just a fraction of her bravery, will and determination.  She is my hero.

Hi, Mom!

Yes, I did it.  After my obsession with blog reading and commenting, I finally started my OWN blog.  Surprise!! 

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.  You are the best mother and friend a girl could have.  I'm lucky to be your daughter. 

Happy reading!  ;-)